Reuters - Breaking News

Sydney's Daily Didgeriedoo has made unconfirmed reports suggesting the untimely demise of StevieWonderDownUnder. It is believed his car was struck by a White Fiat Uno in an underpass early this morning. All that is known is that he was returning from the Opera House with an Australian reporter, who had spent the previous day frolicking with him on his yacht.

It is believed that the Fiat was being driven by a stingray, who was previously thought to have been harmless. There are even suggestions that Al Stinger may have been part of a conspiracy and is hiding in a cave in Afghanistan. If the reports are confirmed, this would be the first incident of its type on the Australian mainland.

Other reports suggest the rumours are premature and that SWDU was spotted later in the morning at a chip shop in Leeds. This latest development has not been substantiated by WonderCorp and only time will tell if we'll see the magnificent Wonder again.

Scorchio Scorpio

It was my first scorchio spring birthday and I returned to Sydney, where it had all begun three months ago, to celebrate. The day started with a visit from Mystic Sheila, who predicted I would be a 'red hot' Scorpio today. After her uncanny forecast, it was time for my present, which meant going 'over the top' for one final adventure.

I pulled on a climbing outfit and headed up the bridge, feeling sweatier than a dog on a treadmill. I also made a note to add cool climbing gear to Wonderwall, my chic new adventure label.

The climb felt easier than expected and l hopped all the way to the top, beating competitive DIY magnate Sheik Mi Tool into second place. The Sheik shook so much with incandescent rage that he fell off the bridge and missed the photocall.


My descent was equally quick and my daredevil plunge into the water was something Top Gun's Maverick could only dream about. I made it just in time to save the Goose of the sheik, who was taunting a shark with a sink plunger.

Despite admitting "it was the gutsiest thing I ever saw", the sheik was very ungrateful that his bacon had been saved, so I 'bugged out', slipped into my birthday suit, and headed for the Opera House, where l was going to see The Pirates of Penzance.

For some reason, it seemed more familiar than a priest with a choir boy, although the reason why eluded me. Fortunately, there was a rousing performance by guest star Johnny Deep, whose programme notes said he wanted to be a pirate called Captain Jack in a big Hollywood blockbuster. This didn't help much, though, as I was still wondering where I had seen him before.

After the show, it was time for a birthday beer and it slipped down like a koala on skis. Still confused, I gave up wondering about Captain Jack and contemplated doing it all over again next year.

StevieWonder
BirthdayBoy

Alien Olympians

The weather wasn't looking so good today, so I grabbed my sports bag and headed for Telstra Stadium, which was the site of the 2000 Sydney Olympics. If that wasn't enough, it also witnessed English Rugby Union's finest hour in 2003. Despite its acclaimed history, I was more concerned at the mode of transport used by some of the other guests, as It looked like a flying saucer had landed on the flag poles in the car park.

On closer inspection, it turned out to be the Olympic Torch, which had been moved from the inside of the Stadium. Unfortunately, it had been constructed by Aeroflot, and the water fountain had extinguished the flame during the games. Luckily, old Bruce was there to save the day and got it going again with his perma-burn cigarette. Nobody noticed but I reckon there would have been big trouble if he had been caught red handed.


Feeling reassured, I headed into the Stadium where I was slightly confused why 30,000 seats had been removed since the Olympics. I later discovered that, following Johnny Wilkinson's wonder strike, all those Aussie tears had overloaded the drains, so something had to go.

With English triumph fresh in my mind, I put down my bag, found a stretch of running track, then recorded a 100 metre time of 3.74 seconds. It would have been a world record but the officials said I had been "wind assisted".

I disagreed and pointed out that the weather conditions were calm. After a drug test and a big bung of cash to the Olympic Committee, I was awarded an honorary gold medal, which was presented to me on the Sydney Olympics podium.


I left the stadium wondering how fast I would have been, had I not been on a three month burger binge.

StevieWonder
ChampionOlympian

The Return to Oz

I left New Zealand amid all the grandeur expected of a dignitary leaving a major colony. The most luxurious boat in the world had taken a 5000 mile detour from the Raj to provide "anything I could imagine" for the event.

I chose not to test them with some some of the more dubious thoughts that came to mind but opted for their generous offer to host a civic function in Auckland Harbour instead.


When the formalities were complete and the last autograph had been signed, I left for Oz. When we arrived, I felt like my newly adopted African kitten had been squashed but I soon found the perfect Afro pussy re-inflation device. It was called football and I was relieved that I wouldn't have to explain a flat cat to the Celebrity Adoption Board, which is vogue amongst my star friends at the moment. Even better, fluffy could practice his meowing skills, as this was the home of the Queensland Roar.


The game was pretty pants but The Roar were far superior to fellow A-League strugglers New Zealand Knights, who had just taken a 12 - 0 drubbing at the hands of mighty Cambridge United from England. There was even a chance during half time to be re-united with the cuddly Koalas, the political wing of the deadly Killer Koalas, who had stepped up their secret guerilla war to gain dominance while I had been away. This little fella was particularly friendly and his name was "Wandering Paws".


Apparently, he is the founder of KinkyKoalas.com, which is the new darling of the Autralian Stock Market. Sometimes, you really have to wonder about those banker types...


StevieWonder
FootieBlunder

Wish You Were Here - New Zealand

After eight great weeks in New Zealand, I am feeling a real sense of sadness that it is time for me to leave this wonderful place. I certainly hope it is not the last time I see Aotearoa, which means "land of the long white cloud".

With some of the most amazing landscapes on earth, there is everything you could possibly imagine here. Whether you are looking for long sandy beaches, luscious green rainforests, stunningly beautiful mountains or huge lakes, New Zealand has it all. If that is not enough, you can explore its awe inspiring volcanoes, steaming pools and lunar parks that can only be described as "unworldly". All of these places are amazing in their own right but the real New Zealand "magic" occurs whenever these landscapes meet. At these geological junctions, you invariably have to pinch yourself just to make sure it is real.

The diversity of Aotearoa's wildlife is also phenomenal. In the space of a few days, you can watch its whales as they dive majestically into the deep ocean trenches, swim along the surface with playful dolphins, then wander down the beach with sea lions and penguins. There are a multitude of other animals here too, including the rather shy Kiwi Bird and the strange black swans that seem to be everywhere.

New Zealand's four million people provide the final element of this special place. They are among the friendliest anywhere and they could certainly teach us all lessons about hospitality, sustainable living, ecology and the environment. Their philosophy is clearly reflected in their clean and spacious cities. A relaxed atmosphere is common to all but each one is differentiated by a speciality, which would typically range from action and adventure, through to wine tasting and serious culture.

For anybody who wishes to go on a spiritual journey, or would like to find a total sense of inner peace, this is definitely the place to come. If you choose to embrace each of its parts wholeheartedly, New Zealand will reach out, touch you deeply, then completely blow you away

The Reinga Caper

My final journey in New Zealand took me to Cape Reinga, which is reached via a bus journey along the car munching 90 Mile Beach. Despite the danger, my main concern was its name, as my ground pacing squirrel (GPS) could only find 64 miles of sand with his special stick.


The guide finally admitted that some sand was on loan to a beach volleyball competition in Belgium, but he reckoned there was still enough for my travel toboggan to run "like a German heading for a sunlounger".

When I reached the bottom, the driver turned a blind eye to the sand in my shoes and pushed on to the Cape, which turned out to be more turbulent than the morning after a hot vindaloo.

Soon after, we were off again and this beach, which had been used to demonstrate a new toilet bleach called Eco Flush, looked just right for a swim.

It also had an ice cream shop and I plumped for this delightful chocolate, orange and lime special with a chewy dragon on top.

I was very pleased with my purchase as the lady in the shop said it would be half price if I said it was "delicious" on my famous blog. Consider it done!

StevieWonder
CoctailKing

Keeping it Real

Following my daring deeds in the rapids, I headed up to Auckland to see my real life Kiwi friend. We took a quick tour of the city and here is the view from the top of volcanic Mount Eden, which threatens to explode like North Korea at any moment.

You will notice the Sky Tower in the centre of the shot as it is the tallest structure in the southern hemisphere. I reckon its designer was compensating for something but there's little proof to support my wondrous theory.

After the tour, we took a trip to the Coromandel with her friends who were keen to play some international drinking games. The ensuing game of left handed boulles became pretty competitive and the tape measure was out more than an English batsman in a one day test.


I'm still not sure why somebody was so interested in who had won, though. Her ball was still rolling a long way behind those trees in the distance!


After the score became really fuzzy, we had a look around the Coromandel coastline and it was obvious why New Zealanders love coming here. It's nicer than a lollipop on a big stick and it's even got rocks that look like whales.


Even though the water could only be described as "chilly", there was just enough time for a quick paddle in the big blue thing. I ventured out as far as my Knees but turned back as I figured Auckland didn't need another tall tower.

StevieWonder
SurfDude

Statement From Wonder Corp

Team Wonder went missing yesterday during an attempt to raft the treacherous white water rapids of Rotorua. This perilous stretch of water, which is rated as "extreme", remains undefeated despite 379 courageous attempts to defeat this mighty beast.

Everybody seemed to be in good spirits when they set off and confidence was running high. This picture was taken shortly before the latest attempt to conquer the legendary rapids.


There was no hint of trouble when the team entered the seven metre drop from the waterfall known as "The Washing Machine", which gets its name due to the swirling water at its base. All seemed to be going well when the boat went over the edge and it looked like nothing could possibly go wrong.

It was shortly after their entrance into the waterfall that things started to go pear shaped for the brave crew of TSS Wonder. The craft plunged into a vertical dive and disappeared without trace into the frothy white depths below.

Nobody has seen The Wonder or his team since these pictures were taken. A 'close friend' said "I don't know what happened to him but I never liked the miserable git much anyway".

End of statement
WonderCorp

Statement Update

Team Wonder re-surfaced yesterday following an unexpected two day rafting adventure in the rampaging Rotorua Rapids. The crew decided to stay under when they discovered a secret hobbit village beneath the majestic waterfall of death.

Heroic Captain Wonder was declared to be the first explorer to make a successful descent of this thundering stretch of the river. A 'close friend' said "I always knew he could do it. The bloke's an absolute bloody legend!".

End of statement
WonderCorp

Rotorua Wonderland

More than two decades after he decided that he would like to go to the Rotorua geothermal wonderland, The Wonder finally made it to its rather large volcanic bosom. The landscape was lunar in appearance and everywhere was bubbling and steaming, like a hot cup of char from Old Mrs Bigglebottom's tea earn.

There was a rather pungent whiff in the air and The Wonder thought his "little problem" might have returned. He was later relieved to discover that the eggy smell was just a bit of deadly sulphur leaking from a boiling pool.


As he travelled around this non-earthly world, SWDU became unsure if he was really at a thermal wonderland or whether he had accidentally stumbled on the Mirror image of Coventry's toxic waste dump.

Having discounted his theory, he was mightily impressed with the volcanic shenanigans that were on show.

In fact, he was so impressed that he was tempted into the acclaimed mud baths for a soak and a well deserved all over body massage, which was to be applied by these skilled mud doctors.

Unfortunately, the skilled doctors only work 6 days a week and have Wednesday's off. During this time, "Big Hands" Helga covers their shifts. You can probably guess the rest!

StevieWonder
Raging Volcano

Deep Down Wonder

After a successful visit to Wellington, I got back to business with a visit to the Waitomo Caves, which are known for their underground holes and sparkly glow worms. The purpose of my mission was to "have a word" with the legendary cave monster, who had been spotted flashing at the rather shy glow worms that reside in the deepest, darkest caves.

The route to the caves was a little tougher than expected, although it certainly wasn't going to slow the progress of Team Wonder, who were preparing for the forthcoming world quad biking championships.

I left my team at the top of the cave and changed into a Wonder Wet Suit, as well as a pair of Wonder Wellies, which are only available from my online superstore. Once my stylish outfit was complete, it was time to head underground.

I looked everywhere for the monster but he was nowhere to be seen. The only necessary action was to rescue these young damsels from the cave croc.

Shara from Schvedin and Zara from shomewhere elshe seemed very grateful to be rescued by a real life hero, even though I had no time to bask in personal glory.

I continued to search but eventually called it a day when I found a note from the monster saying that he was really sorry and wouldn't be naughty again.

StevieWonder

Caveman

You Too Can Write A Dan Brown Novel!

SWDU has turned into a regular bookworm during his travels and thinks he has uncovered a disturbing secret about Dan Brown's celebrated ramblings, which include the famous Da Vinci Code. The Wonder was initially unsure if he could go public about his theory as he is currently reading Angels and Demons, which is the last of his books to get the Wonder once over.

As you can see, the situation is in hand and A&Ds pages are rolling over like a Top Gear presenter chasing a land speed record. No place is sacred and this shot was taken during the Wonder bath-time, so it's fortunate how hopelessly under-exposed it all turned out. Oh, you're more interested in discovering the big book secret! Alright, here it is then...

Every book has the same plot!

Melvin, the most potent mole in the south, was dispatched to Mr Brown's office for a sneaky sniff around. He found a secret folder entitled "The Novel Blueprint" lurking under a strange looking typewriter that had been made by a German company called Enigma. When Melvin reported back to Wonder HQ, his findings were chewed over and thoroughly digested. It turns out that Mr Brown always follows the same plot when he needs a big wad of cash:

• There are some bad guys who are nastier than a dose of the runs
• The bad guys have an assassin, who is sharper than a well honed needle
• The clever bloke meets a pretty lady & they become "the good guys"
• The good guys crack some pointless codes to discover the dastardly deeds of the bad guys
• The bad guys try to kill the good guys but they are always "taken out" with a random object, such as a leek
• The good guys "get it on" until the next book

Lots of people think you're clever Mr Brown but The Wonder has got your number :-)

StevieWonder
BookDetective

Wish You Were Here - Wellington 4.5*

Wellington is not only the capital city of New Zealand, it is also its cultural heartbeat. Covering a distance of only 2KM, you can walk its whole length in less than an hour. In between, there's a thriving community that clearly loves living in this beautiful place.

This great city produced another moment of travel magic during my visit. I was lucky enough to be here for the culmination of the World of WearableArts exhibition, which was marked by a carnival that ran from the government buildings on one side of town to the Civic Centre on the other.

The parade was designed to showcase New Zealand's finest wearable creations and to provide some colour for its people to enjoy during a typical Friday lunch time. With that in mind, tens of thousands of smiling faces left their offices to line the route in expectation of what was to come. They certainly weren't going to be disappointed by what happened next.

I picked up the carnival at its start and then followed its path all the way down the pretty streets to the square inside the Civic Centre. The drums at the front of the parade were deafening and their rhythms reverberated around the tight sides of the Lambton Qauy with the precision of a Swiss clock. If that wasn't impressive enough, the vibrant colours of the outfits radiated in the dazzling sunhine that pierced the gaps between the tall buildings.

The sounds and colours merged to produce a fine display of the visual arts and the crowd seemed to enjoy it as much as the performers who had taken part. It was certainly an impressive sight, that was made all the more acute by its completely unexpected nature.

Once again, the events I had just witnessed left me feeling completely alive and privileged to be here on this beautiful spring day.

Wellington Wonder

I hopped on a plane and ended up in Wellington, which is the capital city of New Zealand. Soon after landing, I was invited to the Beehive, which is the seat of power down here. Apparently, nobody has much to do and the politicians spend most of their days speculating as to whether Prime Minister Helen Clark is male or female. If they get bored of that, the leader of the opposition is a fully paid up member of a bizarre sect. Little wonder then, that everybody was so excited about the arrival of the Superstar Wonder to their provincial shores.


I was given a special tour of parliament and it turns out that the government buildings have been burned down more times than a boozer with cash-flow problems. Nevertheless, I was impressed and retired to my austere drawing room to prepare a gift for my generous hosts.


Fortunately, I struck upon on a huge stash of matches under my desk and set about building a life size replica of the Beehive. It didn't take long to knock up and I think you'll agree that it turned out rather nicely...


The locals seemed very pleased with my gift, even though they were a little curious why they had so many matches stored in their offices. I was glad I had made the effort as they had a gift for me too. They presented me with a special lion that could eat his prey without touching their clothes. Apparently, man made fibres gave him indigestion.


He was certainly talented and I decided to donate him to the local zoo after he "got a little peckish" while I was having a spot of lunch. His victim was only a minor dignitory, so no real damage was done.


While I was driving him to his new home, I asked him how he did it and he offered to give me a personal demonstration. I decided to decline his generous offer.

StevieWonder
MasteroftheEmpire

I'm Dunedin Chocolate!

When SWDU reached the "wee city of Dunedin", he really didn't get why it was supposed to be "just like Scotland". Then it became obvious! Of course it's just like Glasgow, except it doesn't smell of wee!

Dunedin does have a few good points though, and one of them is Cadburys World, which is the "best chocolate factory in the Southern Hemisphere". I entered the visitors shop and purchased a ticket from a bloke who reminded me of my dad. He told me to go through or he would clip me round the ear for being cheeky.

I did as I was told and waited by the chocolate waterfall, which was located inside the blue silo. Apparently, the two white silos were secret space rockets that had been strapped to the blue one for a secret mission. They were just waiting for some more cones from their supplier.

After a quick swim in the chocolate lake, we struggled to the top of the Crunchie mountain using our special Curly Wurly ladders. When we arrived, we troffed more chocolate from its summit than the average Oompa Loompa could produce in a lifetime.

After some more heroic chomping, I rolled down the mountain and decided to leave because I couldn't decide if the giant rabbit in front of me was real or just an e-number hallucination.


He tried to block my exit because I was required to pay a "fat boy surcharge". I disagreed and decided to fire my special heat laser at his ear instead. In no time at all, the offending ear began to melt and I squeezed through the door as the rabbit jumped up and down outside.

Thank Crunchie for that I thought...Or maybe it had just been a Dream...

StevieWonder
ChocoMonster

Getting Wet on the Shotover Jet

The thrills and spills keep on coming and no trip to Queenstown would be complete without a ride on the Shotover Jet, which is famous for its high speeds, narrow canyons and 360 degree spins. It is also known for the jet boat that turned into a fireball on New Year's Eve, but that's another story!

The Wonder had prepared thoroughly for his latest adventure. The previous afternoon had been spent on a "heavy training session" in a bar, which would surely help now that it was time to board this little red boat. The picture below is razor sharp, but you will notice that the thumping hangover was being well disguised by my fuzzy exterior. Oh yes, this was going to be the perfect tonic for a sore head!

We climbed into the boat and the driver graciously moved out of the way so that I could take the wheel of his half million dollar dream machine. I realised that I was probably still over the alcohol limit though, so I handed back the controls immediately.


The boat roared away and picked up more speed as it thundered down the tight canyon. It surged left, then right, then left again, before pirouetting across a slightly wider section. Then came the rapids! Bang, bang, bang! The boat skidded across the waves as the cold wind brushed past our faces. Then it was time for some more spins like the one below...Wicked!


The boat bounced and skipped across the water for a little longer, but then it was time to return to base. I really wanted to do it again but decided it could wait until another day!

StevieWonder
WalkingOnWater

Speed Dating at Walter Peak

I bumped into a dodgy local and he reckoned the "hottest sheilas in town" were all at the Walter Peak. Fortunately, it was holding a speed dating event today and there was one space left on the TSS Earnslaw, which was the boat that could take us there. I thought "what the hell" and booked a ticket from the shop. We arrived shortly after and were met by our host for the day. He looked more of a southern farmer type than a Cilla Black if you ask me!

SWDUs sense of humour is fairly dry but this guy made it look like a saturated top in a wet t-shirt competition. Some of his mates looked a bit dodgy and I really wanted to leave. Unfortunately, the TSS Earnslaw had already departed and the first batch of candidates were being introduced...


Initially, they seemed quite horny but I thought they all talked a load of bull, so I didn't put any ticks on my sheet. We swiftly moved onto the next batch of hopefuls, who were supposed to be "more suitable". Our host reckoned these girls were "fresh in this morning" and that the black ones could be "really naughty".


I had a chat with each of them and the white one said that she was called Merino. She seemed to know a lot about football but we couldn't agree whether the 3-5-2 formation was better than the traditional 4-4-2 system.


We continued the conversation over lunch and she told me about her goal of becoming a profeshawool footballer. She also told me that she preferred the Brazilian style and that she keeps her best wool in a special box. Apparently, she only gets it out when she scores...


I saw the boat coming back into view and decided that it was time to leave.

She tried to delay me by spinning a yarn about needing to go to the baar but I decided that it was time for a shaarp exit...

StevieWonder
SheepRustler