Alien Olympians

The weather wasn't looking so good today, so I grabbed my sports bag and headed for Telstra Stadium, which was the site of the 2000 Sydney Olympics. If that wasn't enough, it also witnessed English Rugby Union's finest hour in 2003. Despite its acclaimed history, I was more concerned at the mode of transport used by some of the other guests, as It looked like a flying saucer had landed on the flag poles in the car park.

On closer inspection, it turned out to be the Olympic Torch, which had been moved from the inside of the Stadium. Unfortunately, it had been constructed by Aeroflot, and the water fountain had extinguished the flame during the games. Luckily, old Bruce was there to save the day and got it going again with his perma-burn cigarette. Nobody noticed but I reckon there would have been big trouble if he had been caught red handed.


Feeling reassured, I headed into the Stadium where I was slightly confused why 30,000 seats had been removed since the Olympics. I later discovered that, following Johnny Wilkinson's wonder strike, all those Aussie tears had overloaded the drains, so something had to go.

With English triumph fresh in my mind, I put down my bag, found a stretch of running track, then recorded a 100 metre time of 3.74 seconds. It would have been a world record but the officials said I had been "wind assisted".

I disagreed and pointed out that the weather conditions were calm. After a drug test and a big bung of cash to the Olympic Committee, I was awarded an honorary gold medal, which was presented to me on the Sydney Olympics podium.


I left the stadium wondering how fast I would have been, had I not been on a three month burger binge.

StevieWonder
ChampionOlympian