Chunderneath The Reef

What trip to Queensland would be complete without a trip to the Great Barrier Reef? With this in mind, we set off on a boat with winds of about 25 knotts. That's more than a boy scout would tie at camp!

Here's my breakfast for the big day




The pills contain ginger and are supposed to help seasickness (rather than the blue ones which aid s*xual performance). Breakfast was supposed to come with two ginger pills but I "went large" and took six for good measure. The only problem was how to drink my tea through the snorkel

I eventually got it all down the tube and we finally reached the reef after battling through endless waves the size of houses. Here's a pic of me in snork-action over the coral.

Shortly after this picture was taken, the choppy reef finally got to me and I had to give the fish a high protein snack under water. So much for all those rubbish ginger pills then...!

After the fishy lunch, I decided it was time to return to the boat for a lay down. Whilst I was on my back, I had a great idea for a new series of books called Captain Pirelli's Banjo. It's going to be a heart wrenching love story set at sea. Whatever the plot, I hope Penelope Cruz will be available for those inevitible topless scenes :-)

StevieWonder
DownChunder

Wish You Were Here!

As I am travelling to many interesting places, I've decided to slip into my orange and wrinkly Judith Chalmers outfit to do some reviews. Marks out of five will be awarded to each place I visit. As a way of calibrating my scale, London receives 2.5 stars out of five.

Sydney - 5*

I wasn't expecting Sydney to be so good! It's a really clean, cool, friendly and vibrant place with loads to do. The harbour is even better than it is on TV and I've posted a few Pics below...

The bridge and opera house are really good at all times of day and I can't think of a more iconic piece of sky line anywhere in the world when they are viewed together from Mrs Mcquarries Point.



The aboriginal art, music and other culture is also most interesting, so it's a massive thumbs up for Sydney from Stevie Wonder...

StevieWonder

Travel Correspondent

Turandot - A 'Cultural' Review

The performance of Puccini's Turandot at the Opera House was so good I thought I'd share it with you all. I'll precis the story in two ways - the first for those of you with some kind of cultural appreciation and the second for those of you who are still scraping their knuckles on the ground (you know who you are).

Cultural

Any prince seeking to marry Princess Turandot must answer three riddles. If he fails, he must die. Calaf is an exiled prince and he rises to the challenge. Princess Turandot asks three questions and Calaf answers all of them correctly. Princess Turandot does not wish to be handed over to Calaf and he says that if she can learn his name by dawn, he will forfeit with his life. Turandot accepts the challenge and decrees that nobody shall shall sleep until she learns the stranger's name. Liu, his father's slave, is the only person who knows his secret but kills herself after she refuses to reveal his identity. After that, Calaf kisses Turandot and she knows emotion for the first time. The court then hails the power of love and life.

Non Cultural

The fat Lezzie sheila doesn't like men much but some fat bloke who looks like Jethro (the Commedian) "cures" her by kissing her and telling her that he is an exiled prince with wads of cash. She is "converted", everyone sings Nessun Dorma and they all live happily ever after, except for the slightly thinner sheila who kills herself for some reason.


Everybody in the Opera House loved it and my hands are still stinging from all the clapping 24 hours later! Think I'll have to see something else when I come back to Sydney later in the Year...

StevieWonder
Cultural Correspondent

Urgent Wonder Press Release

Whilst sitting in a bar in Darling Harbour (Sydney), I penned a series of book titles on a napkin that will be a cross between the Famous Five, Harry Potter and Captain Pugwash. They will be written in a two part trilogy (yes, just like Starwars!). The main caracter is a heroic explorer called Captain Co*k, who is rather fond of cruising. He's got a big boat and a picture of it is shown below





The first half of the double trilogy will be entitled as follows:

1) Captain Co*k's Great Adventure
2) Captain Co*k goes down
3) Captain Co*k gets a new vessel


These books and the associated films are bound to make me wads of cash but I'm going to write three more half *rsed sequels to boost my pension plan:

4) Captain Co*k and the Cumbersome Codpiece
5) Captain Co*k and the Rubber Buoy
6) Captain Co*k Comes Again (Return of the Co*k)


There will also be a bonus track if you buy the DVD called "Captain Co*k and the three Musketeers - a Step too Far?", which is a thought provoking expose about Sword Fighting at sea.

If the books are successful, I've got plenty of ideas for a third trilogy but that's enough for now!


PS If anyone from my family sees this, the * is clearly an "o" :-)