Wellington Wonder

I hopped on a plane and ended up in Wellington, which is the capital city of New Zealand. Soon after landing, I was invited to the Beehive, which is the seat of power down here. Apparently, nobody has much to do and the politicians spend most of their days speculating as to whether Prime Minister Helen Clark is male or female. If they get bored of that, the leader of the opposition is a fully paid up member of a bizarre sect. Little wonder then, that everybody was so excited about the arrival of the Superstar Wonder to their provincial shores.


I was given a special tour of parliament and it turns out that the government buildings have been burned down more times than a boozer with cash-flow problems. Nevertheless, I was impressed and retired to my austere drawing room to prepare a gift for my generous hosts.


Fortunately, I struck upon on a huge stash of matches under my desk and set about building a life size replica of the Beehive. It didn't take long to knock up and I think you'll agree that it turned out rather nicely...


The locals seemed very pleased with my gift, even though they were a little curious why they had so many matches stored in their offices. I was glad I had made the effort as they had a gift for me too. They presented me with a special lion that could eat his prey without touching their clothes. Apparently, man made fibres gave him indigestion.


He was certainly talented and I decided to donate him to the local zoo after he "got a little peckish" while I was having a spot of lunch. His victim was only a minor dignitory, so no real damage was done.


While I was driving him to his new home, I asked him how he did it and he offered to give me a personal demonstration. I decided to decline his generous offer.

StevieWonder
MasteroftheEmpire

I'm Dunedin Chocolate!

When SWDU reached the "wee city of Dunedin", he really didn't get why it was supposed to be "just like Scotland". Then it became obvious! Of course it's just like Glasgow, except it doesn't smell of wee!

Dunedin does have a few good points though, and one of them is Cadburys World, which is the "best chocolate factory in the Southern Hemisphere". I entered the visitors shop and purchased a ticket from a bloke who reminded me of my dad. He told me to go through or he would clip me round the ear for being cheeky.

I did as I was told and waited by the chocolate waterfall, which was located inside the blue silo. Apparently, the two white silos were secret space rockets that had been strapped to the blue one for a secret mission. They were just waiting for some more cones from their supplier.

After a quick swim in the chocolate lake, we struggled to the top of the Crunchie mountain using our special Curly Wurly ladders. When we arrived, we troffed more chocolate from its summit than the average Oompa Loompa could produce in a lifetime.

After some more heroic chomping, I rolled down the mountain and decided to leave because I couldn't decide if the giant rabbit in front of me was real or just an e-number hallucination.


He tried to block my exit because I was required to pay a "fat boy surcharge". I disagreed and decided to fire my special heat laser at his ear instead. In no time at all, the offending ear began to melt and I squeezed through the door as the rabbit jumped up and down outside.

Thank Crunchie for that I thought...Or maybe it had just been a Dream...

StevieWonder
ChocoMonster

Getting Wet on the Shotover Jet

The thrills and spills keep on coming and no trip to Queenstown would be complete without a ride on the Shotover Jet, which is famous for its high speeds, narrow canyons and 360 degree spins. It is also known for the jet boat that turned into a fireball on New Year's Eve, but that's another story!

The Wonder had prepared thoroughly for his latest adventure. The previous afternoon had been spent on a "heavy training session" in a bar, which would surely help now that it was time to board this little red boat. The picture below is razor sharp, but you will notice that the thumping hangover was being well disguised by my fuzzy exterior. Oh yes, this was going to be the perfect tonic for a sore head!

We climbed into the boat and the driver graciously moved out of the way so that I could take the wheel of his half million dollar dream machine. I realised that I was probably still over the alcohol limit though, so I handed back the controls immediately.


The boat roared away and picked up more speed as it thundered down the tight canyon. It surged left, then right, then left again, before pirouetting across a slightly wider section. Then came the rapids! Bang, bang, bang! The boat skidded across the waves as the cold wind brushed past our faces. Then it was time for some more spins like the one below...Wicked!


The boat bounced and skipped across the water for a little longer, but then it was time to return to base. I really wanted to do it again but decided it could wait until another day!

StevieWonder
WalkingOnWater

Speed Dating at Walter Peak

I bumped into a dodgy local and he reckoned the "hottest sheilas in town" were all at the Walter Peak. Fortunately, it was holding a speed dating event today and there was one space left on the TSS Earnslaw, which was the boat that could take us there. I thought "what the hell" and booked a ticket from the shop. We arrived shortly after and were met by our host for the day. He looked more of a southern farmer type than a Cilla Black if you ask me!

SWDUs sense of humour is fairly dry but this guy made it look like a saturated top in a wet t-shirt competition. Some of his mates looked a bit dodgy and I really wanted to leave. Unfortunately, the TSS Earnslaw had already departed and the first batch of candidates were being introduced...


Initially, they seemed quite horny but I thought they all talked a load of bull, so I didn't put any ticks on my sheet. We swiftly moved onto the next batch of hopefuls, who were supposed to be "more suitable". Our host reckoned these girls were "fresh in this morning" and that the black ones could be "really naughty".


I had a chat with each of them and the white one said that she was called Merino. She seemed to know a lot about football but we couldn't agree whether the 3-5-2 formation was better than the traditional 4-4-2 system.


We continued the conversation over lunch and she told me about her goal of becoming a profeshawool footballer. She also told me that she preferred the Brazilian style and that she keeps her best wool in a special box. Apparently, she only gets it out when she scores...


I saw the boat coming back into view and decided that it was time to leave.

She tried to delay me by spinning a yarn about needing to go to the baar but I decided that it was time for a shaarp exit...

StevieWonder
SheepRustler

The Sound of Milford

It was finally time to go to Milford Sound, which is one of the most famous sights in New Zealand. Our driver for the day was Big Merv and he had a real passion for pan pipe pop classics. On the way down, he gave us some belters including Kylie's 'I Should Be So Lucky', which was performed beautifully by a group of small children at the back of the bus.


Our first stop was at Mirror Lakes. Just to prove that I really am down under, I had these mountains specially imported from the northern hemisphere. You can see quite clearly that they are upside down.

We were soon back on the bus and the panpipe classics kept on coming. By the time we reached the start of the Milford Sound area, the kids had moved right on to panpipe dueling banjos. I enquired how much it would be to record it for my Ipod but Big Merv's response was off key. He said that it was priceless but I could buy some tumble weed instead at the gift shop "if I liked".

When we got there, it was time to pick up yet another boat. I tried to take control of things but somebody had moved the steering wheel to the other end.


I left the captain to it and when we turned round a corner, I realised what all the fuss was about. The Sound (not the kind created by the panpipes) was most impressive. Nearly 2000 metres of rock sticking right out of the water could only be awesome.

Unfortunately, we were asked to leave soon after this picture was taken as the panpipes were really annoying the captain. Not to worry though, as Big Merv kept the new sounds pumping all the way home...

StevieWonder
SoundRecorder

As Worm As Ice!

I headed down the South Island west coast and stopped off at the famous Franz Josef Glacier, which is one of the biggest ice cubes in New Zealand. Even though it looked big from the ground, climbing it would be no problem for the increasingly fit Super Wonder!

I met up with a resident sherpa, who turned out to be an uncanny twin of my nutter climbing buddy Simon from way back home. He decided that we should attempt the whole day walk in half the time, so there was no time to lose...


We were soon on the ice and looking like real professionals! My jacket was hotter than a McDonalds apple strudel and the crampons cut deep into the ice with every step. At the speed we were climbing, it took no time at all to reach the first plateau.

We decided to push on and carried on climbing until we reached the white ice, which was the holy grail of the day walks. When we arrived, we were greeted by a beautiful rainbow that arched over the glacier like a psychedelic bridge.

After some further effort aimed at finding the end of the rainbow, we decided to give up and headed back down as the light was beginning to fade. About half way down, we stumbled on some worm holes that were really cool. I looked into one of the holes but there was a note saying that all the worms had slipped down to the village for a nice cup of tea because they'd "got a bit chilly".


We decided that it was time to join them for a brew before they came home...

StevieWonder
IcedGem

Taming Queen Charlotte!

It was SWDUs first cycling adventure in New Zealand and the steepest, most treacherous section of the rocky Queen Charlotte track seemed like a great place for a wannabe international athlete to start out...

I'd prepared thoroughly with an easy ride to work about 4 weeks ago, so it was going to be like a walk in the park. I'd also had a 'hearty' breakfast, which consisted of a slice of cold pizza from the night before. In addition, sustenance for the journey would be provided by a box of tic-tacs and a small bottle of water!

The ride started with a 496m climb from sea level, which would be followed by a 24KM treck to Torrea Bay, where I would be picked up five hours later by another boat 'if I arrived on time'! Part of the first ascent looked like this from the water. As you can see, it was steeper than the bill at a fancy restaurant!

When I got to the top, I was puffing like Thomas the Tank Engine and muttering more expletives than you would hear in a tourettes clinic. The Lord of the Rings view soon made up for it, though!

After that, the ride went up, up, up and occasionally down, too. I lasted about three hours before my legs told me they neeed some good food, so I stopped to trash the tic-tacs and finish the water! The view from my lunch spot was pretty good and I wondered whether I could ride down the hill to the road, which was far below.

Fortunately, the descent started soon after and I decided to see how fast I could go if I didn't use the brakes. I nearly managed to overtake my own shadow but decided to be more careful after sliding over a gravel trap to make it round one of the bends! I did reach the end though, and here's me finishing after only four hours, which got a lot of respect from the locals!


Looks like determination and a fear of missing the boat are great motivators...

StevieWonder

SoreCyclingGod

I'm Going Out & I Maybe Some Time

I've reached Christchurch, which is a bit of a sleepy little town on the New Zealand South Island. After discovering that it has been the base for many Antarctic missions, I decided it was the kind of place that a that the intrepid Wonder should check out. When I got there I was greeted by some blokes who were dressed up like eskimos. I realised that I needed some more clothes, so I gave my mate Sir Edmond Hillary a quick tinkle on the blower. He said he'd get his wife to knock me up a special Wonder Suit to keep me nice and warm in the permafrost.

The suit eventually arrived and they even gave me a suitable vehicle for a blast over the ice, which was a lot more bumpy than I had expected. Unfortunately, it was pink when it arrived but the Wonder had enough time to give it a quick respray in kiwi Black.

When we got there, a storm was brewing, so I wasted no time in building an iglu. No sooner than I had finished installing all the essentials like Sky TV, it began to snow.

The storm passed after a couple of weeks and I quickly found some local seals, who had come up from the shelf below the ice to catch some rays.

Fortunately, I am fluent in all 75 seal Seal languages and I was soon clapping my hands together and shouting aarf aarf at them. That really seemed to knock the stuffing out of them and they all froze as I think they they were in awe of my linguistic skills. Either that or I got the wrong dialect again...

StevieWonder

IceMan

Great Ocean Road

We hired a car in Melbourne and headed for the Great Ocean Road, which is 'one of the greatest coastal drives in the world'. I'd imagined the car I'd drive would be a powerful Lambo or something similar. In reality, it was this rather sporty Nissan Tiida.

Here's a pic of me at the start of the journey looking calm and relaxed in my 'magic' driving shirt

We then set off and it all looked good until I met this sign, which told me to keep to the left. No problem, I thought, just as soon as I work out where the hell the road has gone!



Once I'd found the road again, it was rugged and very much like the ones in a Playstation Game. It was cut into the edge of a cliff and there were more signs than you could hope for at a seance! Just as I'd taken all the signs on board, I almost forgot that you were supposed to avoid the cute koalas. Fortunately, I didn't miss this guy, who thought he was a bit of a stud

He left a very distinctive dent in the bonet, although I don't think it was as large as the sign had promised. After I had scraped him off the road, we eventually reached the Twelve Apostles, which are twelve very famous stack rocks. I left my cat in the car as instructed and headed for the rocks

After a bit of a walk, the '12 Apostles' like like this



As the more observant amongst you will notice, there are only 7 apostles left. That's because a bunch of scouse convicts stole the other five in a speedboat they won on the darts show Bullseye in 1987.


StevieWonder
DownUnder

Everybody Needs Good Neighbours

What trip to Melbourne would be complete without a trip to Ramsay Street? Certainly not mine...! We picked up the inconspicuous tour bus under the cover of darkness and here's a picture of me trying to steal it outside Erinsborough High School a bit later in the morning



After that, we headed off to the studios and saw Mrs Kennedy leaving the gate at high speed in her car. She's very pretty, so it was a shame she left just as we arrived! Mind you, I'm not surprised, after seeing some of the nut job stalkers who were sat at the front of our bus!

The disappoiontment was soon forgotten when we met Dr Carl Kennedy. Here's a picture of us striking as rather natural pose (that's my friend Caroline on the right)


I thought I'd test his doctor skills by banging my leg on a towbar at Lou's garage, before hitting the deck like an Italian footballer. Unfortunately, Dr Kennedy didn't seem to know that much about medicine after all :-(

We finished the tour with a trip to Ramsay Street, which is much smaller than it looks on TV. We found out how they make it look bigger than it really is, which I'm told is always a useful skill to know...


I tried to steal the road sign but somebody told me put it back or they would set Mrs Mangel on me...


StevieWonder
SoaperStar

Wonderstars - Melbourne (rocks)

Melbourne 6*

Melbourne posed me with a real problem as I liked it even more than Sydney and there were no more stars to give out. I've decided to share my personal diary entry for 30th August, which hopefully goes some way to describing it all:

"It's my last day in Melbourne and I've come to really love it here. It was Melbourne's birthday today and a band was playing jazz in Federation Square. There wasn't a cloud in the sky and it was really warm. There was so much energy in the air and a magical feeling came over me as I realised my mood was in complete harmony with this amasing place. I spent the afternoon wandering around, feeling like a small child on Christmas morning. My eyes were wide open and I hoped the day would never end...I have to come back here one day..."

If anybody is thinking of coming to Australia, make sure that you come here. It's the best city I have ever visited...

Melbourne cricket Ground

Melbourne Cricket Ground

We stopped off at the MCG, which is the world famous stadium that holds 100,000 fans. It held the 1956 Olympic Games, as well as the 2006 Commonwealth Games and their weird *rsed version of footie. It's pretty impresive from both the inside and the oustide

I had arrived ready for a game of cricket and I was most disappointed to find out that the locals had not only failed to show, but they had also dug up the pitch!


I ran onto the pitch and was considering doing a streak to the other side. In the end, I decided it was a bit too chilly for that kind of stuff.


As I was already on the pitch, I was quickly apprehended and told in no uncertain terms that if my foot crossed the white line again, I would be savaged by a large dingo. Always liking a challenge, here was my response...


The Auzzies - they don't like it up 'em...

StevieWonder
FinelyHonedAthlete

Cairns You Guess Where I Am?

Here's a clue - I took a trip to the Kuranda rain forest today. It's a world Heritage area, so expectations were high!


Did I go here?

I wanted to but there wasn't enough time!


Did I go here?

Nooo!


Did I go here?

Of course I did and here's a picture of my first koala!



Aww...Isn't it cute? Certainly doesn't look like one of those nasty killer koalas that hug people to death! I was asked if I wanted a pic of me holding one but I couldn't take the chance of it turning over friendly like its dangerous friends (or handing over $15 for the pleasure come to that)!

After the koala park, it was off to the rain forest where I met the following animals I have never seen before...